Pete's Armless

Pete Doherty has been a bit down after hearing that his album isn't selling too well. Not only this, but he's admitted that his arm got infected recently and almost had to get amputated. What's the arm in that?

School's A Cruise

Suri Cruise will this week be enrolled at the Scientology School - founded by Will Smith. Can't wait to hear how she does at Religious Education ...

Leona Lewis's Family Leaves People Bleeding Love ... or just bleeding.

Two cousins of 'close' Lewis family have been caught after storming a drug den, beating up three dealers and brutally robbing them. Simon Cowell probably won't be judging them.

Britt's Spliffs

Britney Spears refused to play a gig last week after she could smell the faint whiff of drugs being smoked near the stage. After making the audience wait and making an announcement, she came back on. Maybe she just fancied one ...

Rihanna's Brand Move

Russell Brand must be thinking his luck is in after finding out his new neighbour will soon be the gorgeous young Rihanna. After splitting from Chris Brown, she has decided to get a place in the UK. Has anyone warned her?

Jack's Crack

Jack Tweed is apparently close to cracking up after the death of Jade and the fact that he's now facing jail after assaulting a cabbie. He has told the kids that he will be going to the jungle and not to jail. But where-ever he goes I'm sure he'll be shouting 'I'm A Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here!' Ho ho ho.

Phil Feels Guilty

Phil Spector has been found guilty for killing a 40 year old model & bar hostess in his home. The 'Wall of Sound' pioneer is now facing jail for 15 years. Maybe try four walls with no sound.

Diaz in Glasto Daze

Watch out Glastonbury, Cameron Diaz and Essex-born boyfriend Paul Sculfur are planning to descend on the music festival this summer. According to sources "she's been to Somerset before for a romantic getaway and really enjoyed it." The recession hurts us all.

Mad Max Mel Gives No Jib

Mel Gibson is set to divorce his wife of 28 years after being caught cheating. It means his wife could stand to get an enormous payout of £320 million. Maybe this Patriot should know What Women Want and not do a Chicken Run.

Lighthouse Family - But No Children Please

40 year old Paul Tucker has had his home raided after suspicion of possessing child pornography. The musician half of the Nineties duo has insisted it's a mistake.

Research maybe?

In case you forgot here's their classic 'Lifted'